That is what I call Random.

I close my eyes, my hands wrap each other. If other will see me, probably they will think I am praying but I'm not. I'm trying to generate my words to write. That is how I work. I'm an overemotional kind of person. I do things on my own most of the time and sometimes you will find me crying while I am writing. I get upset right front, I'm moody. I lash things if I'm in exasperation. And that will end up being me dog-tired.

I'm having bad dreams lately, and they are all awful. Sometimes I find myself crying and I cannot sleep after. I'm thinking of going away. In the fields of flowers and grasses. Where I can lie and look up in the blue vast sky. Where the summer winds blow my hair and touch my face. Whispering something that I cannot understand.

I want to have my own space, whether it's a studio type of room. Sometimes I wanted to be alone and live unlimitedly. With all the essentials I have. Of course, with the cleanest and ambrosial smell bathroom. I can tell that one of my favorite place in the world is a bathroom. I also like to clean them every day.

Next is a homey sofa where most of the time is my zen. My place of restfulness. Where I can watch my favorite movies and where I can write.

Some people take amiss me. Like, you need to stay with me before you get me. And other people don't like this kind of thing. They will easily jump into some closure without further taking time to dig deeper. And sometimes I don't care. Like them, I also don't have a time for them.

Sometimes I don't like the rain and sometimes I do like it. If I feel sad, I thought of it will rain later. One time, I was walking and I feel so sad. That day the sun was smiling and bragging of its rays. Then an hour after, dark clouds beat the sun and rain come after. That I concluded, life has something to do with the weather. Probably during those days, a lot of people are down in the mouth.

Most of the time I write my thoughts. As what I've said, I am an emotional being. Too sensitive for the things that I don't want to believe in. Sometimes I'm very loud. That is why some people misunderstood me. I can be clammed up then rambunctious. Depending on the mood or friends.

I'm also a namby-pamby. I cry on things that are very too sensitive or very hopeless. Most of the time on movies or Korean series that I watch. And also on some heated brawl with other people, or especially one of my siblings and most of the time with my Mother.

I like to sing and watch youtube. I do that every other day. I sometimes record my voice and delete it after, to be honest, I hate listening to my recorded voice. It really sounds depressing. Please don't laugh.

I also like to dance. The last time I showcase my dancing talent it was 6 years ago during our company party. My team mates were shocked because I have talent in dancing and I never joined in the dancing group. Why? Because I don't like to be surrounded by mean and arrogant people. The reason I joined in that dance competition was to gain points and that my Team Leader will not be going to transfer me to other accounts. That's the part of the deal.

During my college days. I love how my friends surround me. I feel I am dominant towards them. Because every time they plan they always ask for my approval. It's like I'm the leader who makes a decision for the group. And if there is something bad happen with friends, I come between them. No, I am not a one sided type of person.

I think I'm obsessive. Like one time during my college days, I have a boyfriend and he has a best-friend who happened to be a girl. At first, I don't like the idea of him having a best-friend who is a girl. And this best-friend always come in the middle of our life. One time, I already have plans to watch a movie after school, then the boyfriend messaged me telling me that he will be with his best-friend because someone is stalking her. Like the hell, I care. Since then. I always followed her. I'm so obsessed with her life.

I even stalked her in school. Until knowing her makes me realize that I am so lucky because I don't need to work for me to go to school and that my boyfriend really loves me. Somehow I feel so sad about her, I know she likes my boyfriend who is her best-friend but I was the one who he loves. And I think I was the one who comes between them. That is why I always have excuses for breaking up with him. Because I feel like she needs him more than being with me.

Now that best-friend of my ex is now my friend for keeps. Though I know sometimes she is still casual for me. We don't talk much but I know I can count on her one day. And she is happily married with two adorable kids and a kind husband.

The ex? Well, he is studying to become a priest one day. I think it's his calling. I remember he wrote me a poesy about me, if he will not going to marry me, he will receive the call of God and follow to be his servant forever. Which I think he did what was written in that verse. Somehow, I kinda miss him. He such a good, a sweet and thoughtful guy I ever had. I will always be proud of what relationship we had. One I can call best memories.

I have a boyfriend and we are still together for 7 years now. Well, he is the opposite of the ex. He is not thoughtful nor sweet. But he is a kind and good guy in some ways. But I like him a lot and I love him. For me, he is my soul mate and what God has given me to live with me for the rest of my life. To be honest, I can't live without him.

And here is the part of my life where I am deplorable. Yes, I am. For four years of relying on myself in the machine called Hemodialysis. Yes, you read it right. I have not functioned kidneys anymore. And it was late to know that I got it from my Mother. My Mother who is in the same treatment as me.

I can't stop thinking if this is the reparation of the bad things I did before. Or I was really born wretched. If I only knew what will happen to me, I should have lived a better and kind life. But who would have thought this will happen for I don't hold my future. I was enjoying the life I have with the people I love and enjoyed their companies. Then this happened. At first, I cannot stand it. Until I begun to realize that I should be thankful enough I still live despite the awful things happens to me. I should live my life and do better things before my time is finished.

Trying to be happy is different from being happy. I cannot tell I am happy because I'm trying to be happy most of the time. Because I don't have much time to be sad or to get upset. And situation comes unknowingly. Then it will piss the life of me. And hit me big time.

And relying on someone is somewhat difficult because I can't count on him most of the time. He needs to focus on his life too rather than being with me. That is why I can't tell myself I am happy. I am most of the time woebegone.

Writing somehow helps me cope up with my life's predicament. Because I know I cannot rely on someone in this kind of state. People will keep on misunderstanding me and I will not go to compete with them. I'd rather succumb in the raging wave of emotions and sadness rather than being with them and sarcastically pasting a sly smile on their potty faces. It's not me talking, it's my other self. Kidding.

Too much for a random thought. Thanks for reading.