First Blog for February.

I cannot stop thinking about dying. Like no matter how I tried to ignore such thing, still there is no way for this thought to vanish, it keeps coming back. And the more I think about it, the more vulnerable I am, the more fear will embrace me.

This fear started whenever I feel sick. Whenever I dream of a bad thing. And now, the fear is getting stronger. I am not feeling well because of my swelling Access in my hand. It's been 3 days now it's been hurting. I even cry for pain. I don't know what happened, maybe I slept on it while I was too tired to wake up.

I wanted to go rush myself to the ER today, but the boyfriend does not want it. He is afraid I might have an emergency access to my neck, so we decided to have it check tomorrow in the Center, I hope the Doctor is around.

I've been keeping this question for years now, what can I see on the other side if I die? Will I ever reborn in a different dimension? Will I'm gonna see Jesus? The Angels? They said, there are two places you have to go, the Heavens and the Fire of Hell. They say I should read the bible to know the coming of Jesus. I know my faith is stronger and I believe in my faith and my God.

I love life and what's made me. I love the people who care about me and love me. I love my Brothers thought sometimes they are giving me painful remarks. I love my nieces and nephews who sometimes gave me joy. I love my Father though he does not care too much for me. I also love my Mother though most of the time always pissed me and annoys me. And the most important person in my entire life, who always give me happiness and eternal love, my Yaan, the boyfriend of 8 years. The believer in life for me.

I also wonder if I die one day. I wonder if there are people will remember me. If people will say something good to me, or I don't even care if it's bad. The good thing is, I won't be hearing them anymore.

It's 3:04 am on this side of the world. I am still awake because I cannot bear the pain I'm having. I wanted to sleep pretty well tonight but the pain is pinching me. It's like a thousand if needles.

I hope this pain reliever will help me sleep.

Until then.